At a wedding reception I once attended, the emcee announced, "We’re about to have a romantic dance. Would all the married people please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living?" He looked around, expecting to see people rallying romantically around their partners. The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Part therapists, entertainers, and friends, bartenders play an important role in many people’s lives. They do a lot more than just serve you your favorite screwdriver cocktail—they are sympathetic listeners, sage advice-givers, and hilarious jokesters, too. In fact, cheering people up is something that comes with the bartending territory, so having a supply of laugh-out-loud jokes for bartenders is a must to be likable (and successful) in the industry.
We’ve all heard (and cringed at) cheesy, one-liner bartender jokes that actually get funnier when the alcohol kicks in. Making people smile and putting them at ease while they enjoy their drinks—and knowing which joke to deliver to whom and when—is the mark of a truly outstanding bartender.
At Broken Bartender, we’ve put together some of the best puns and funny jokes for bartenders in the industry—while some are laugh-out-loud hilarious, others get better after you’ve downed a few well-mixed drinks.
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For the music lovers
Get your humor game on point and hit the right notes with these music-related jokes for bartenders to tell.
1. Why did Eminem get fired from his bartending job?
He kept telling people, “You only get one shot!”
2. C, E-flat, and G walk into a singles bar.
The bartender says, "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
Science and math nerds will get it
Not everyone will get these cheeky, math- and science-themed funny bartender jokes and puns, making it even more fun to deliver them and see their reaction.
3. A neutron walks into a bar.
“I’d like to have a beer,” he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
“How much will it be?” asks the neutron.
“For you?” asks the bartender, “No charge.”
4. Two bacteria walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “You can’t be here. We don’t serve bacteria.”
The bacteria say, “But we work here, we’re staph.”
5. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I’ve lost my electron.”
The other asks, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m positive!” the first replies.
6. Helium walks into a bar.
The bartender yells from behind the bar—
“Sorry, we don’t serve noble gasses here!”
Helium doesn’t react and sits down anyway.
7. A statistician walks into your average bar.
The bartender’s name was Ian.
“We don't serve statisticians in this bar,” Ian says.
The man then replies, "Well, you're just mean. All I wanted was a mead, Ian."
8. Two guys walk out of a bar on the moon.
“What did you think of the bar?" asks one guy.
“The drinks were okay, but there was no atmosphere," complains the second guy.
For the writers and grammar geeks
Punctuate your over-the-bar conversations with these great bartender jokes and one liners that grammar nerds, word lovers, and writers will delight in!
9. In a bar, the past, present, and future meet.
It was tense.
10. An oxymoron walks into a bar.
The silence was deafening.
11. Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out!” shouts the bartender. "We don’t serve your type here.”
12. A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
Something for the literature lovers
We can’t resist this literary Charles Dickens reference in this clever joke for bartenders.
13. What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
“Olive or Twist?”
Don’t forget the sports fans
While we’re sure there’s a plethora of sports-related bartender jokes out there, this one hits a humorous home run for us. Nothing but net, as they say!
14. Why shouldn't you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender? The service may be excellent, but he'll try to spike all the drinks.
Nobody drinks like the Irish
Most funny bartender jokes have something to do with Ireland, which seems to hold the world’s unofficial title for being the best at anything bar and drinking related.
We think these Irish jokes for bartenders deserve a spot on your list of jokes for bartenders to tell. The Irish (and everyone else) will love it!
15. An American walks into an Irish pub. He tells the patrons, "I'll bet $500 that none of you can drink 10 pints of Guinness in 10 minutes." People take notice, but they ignore the bet and go back to their drinking, except for an Irishman who leaves the bar.
After some time passes, the Irishman returns to the pub and approaches the American. "Is yer bet still on the table?" he asks. The American replies, "It sure is! Bartender, get this man his drinks." The bartender puts 10 pints of Guinness on the bar, and the Irishman starts drinking. In less than five minutes, he drinks all 10 pints of Guinness.
The shocked American hands over the prize money and asks, "May I ask where you went earlier? Did you go to prepare in some ancient or secret Irish way?"
"Nah,” said the Irishman. I went to the pub next door first and tried it there to see if I could do it."
16. At a World Brewing Convention in the United States, the CEOs of different brewing organizations met at the bar at the end of each day’s conference.
The Australian chief of Fosters shouted to the barman, “In 'Straiya, we make the best bloody beer in the world, so pour me a Fosters, cobber.”
The American head of Budweiser calls out, “In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the king of them all. Gimme a pint of Bud.”
The German head of Beck steps up next, saying “We invented beer in Germany. Give me a Beck's, the real king of beers.”
Up next is the Dutchman and Grolsch chief executive, who declares, “Grolsch is the ultimate beer! I need one.”
Last but not least, the CEO of Guinness steps forward. “Barman, give me a coke with ice please.”
The other four are stunned into silence. Eventually, the American asks the Irishman, “Are you not going to have a Guinness?” The Irishman replies with “Well, if you lot aren't drinking, then neither am I.”
17. An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scottish man are drinking in a bar.
A fly lands in the Englishman's pint. This makes him angry, and he pushes his beer away and orders another.
A fly lands in the Scottish man's pint. He looks at the fly, shrugs, and just drinks his beer, fly and all.
A fly lands in the Irishman's pint, and he is furious. He picks the fly out of his drink and violently shakes it over his pint glass while screaming, "Spit it out, ya wee bastard!"
These cheeky jokes for bartenders will make you even more popular behind the bar!
18. A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he sits at the bar, he hears a voice say, “You look great. Have you been going to the gym?” He looks around, but there’s no one nearby.
A minute later, he hears the voice again. “You know, you don’t look a day over 30.” He looked around again but saw no one but himself and the bartender. “Did you hear that?” he asked the bartender.
The bartender replies, “It’s the peanuts. They’re complimentary.”
19. A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar and orders a few tequilas. The bartender says sternly, "Now don't you start anything!"
On love and relationships
A list of the best jokes for bartenders has to have at least one romantic joke; after all, the bar’s where many people go when something goes amiss in life and in love.
20. A man walks into a bar one night looking sad. The barkeep asks the man what he wants, and the man says, “Just a beer.”
The bartender notices how sad the man is and asks, “What's wrong? Why are you so down today?” The man answered, “My wife Mary and I got into a fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month.”
“I’m sorry,” the bartender said, sympathizing with the man. “The month will go by quickly.” “That’s the problem,” the man said sadly, “The month is up tonight.”
When the dress code is strict
Our next awesome joke for bartenders touches on a familiar topic—the old dress code. How many of you have ever been refused service at a bar because of how you were dressed?
21. A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Moroccan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Filipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamaican, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatemalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian, and a Venezuelan all walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry, everyone. I cannot serve you without a Thai.”
They call it blind courage
The following jokes for bartenders are meant in good-natured jest, and absolutely no blind people were injured in the making of these jokes.
22. A blind man enters a bar and finds his way to a barstool. After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy calls out to the bartender, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes quiet, and he hears someone slam a drink onto the counter.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200-pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”
The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”
23. Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black labrador, and the other has a tiny chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, “Let’s get a beer.” The chihuahua owner says, “That would be great, but I don’t think we can take our dogs into the bar.”
“Follow my lead,” the lab owner says, heading inside with her dog and ordering a beer. “Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here,” the bartender says. “He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies, pretending to be offended (and blind). The bartender takes one look at the lab, quickly apologizes, and serves her the beer.
The other woman decides it’s her turn, and she enters the bar with her chihuahua on a leash. When she tries to order a beer, the bartender tells her that dogs are not allowed in the bar. “He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman says. “Yeah, right,” the bartender says, eyeing her dog. “A chihuahua? Give me a break.” Without missing a beat, the woman replies, “What? They gave me a chihuahua?!”
When your bartender helps you save on your therapy bills
As everyone knows, venting about your troubles to your bartender (and getting good advice in return) is part of the bar experience and can prove to be quite beneficial and even therapeutic. This bartender joke sums it all up nicely.
24. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always had a fear of something hiding under my bed at night. I decided to see a psychiatrist, and I told him about what I was dealing with. “Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it,” I said. “I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.”
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Meet with me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" I asked. "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I’ll sleep on it, and if I need to, I will come back to you," I said.
Six months later, I ran into the psychiatrist on the street. "Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.
"Well, $80 a visit three times a week for a year is a lot of money! Actually, a bartender cured me in exchange for a five-dollar bill,” I said. “And I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new SUV."&
"Humph," was the psychiatrist’s reply. With a bit of an attitude he said, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed,” I answered. “There’s nobody under there now for sure!"
When the joke’s on the bartender
One last one for the road—a cheeky, little one-liner bartender joke at our dear bartender’s expense.
25. Why do bartenders laugh three times when they hear a joke? Once when it is told, once when it is explained to them, and once when they understand it.
[Keep the laughs flowing freely at the bar and get decked out in Broken Bartender’s stylish clothing and cheeky accessories for bartenders with a sense of humor.]